i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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