Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
