apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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