how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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