The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
