i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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