is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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