Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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