I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he quoted the bible to break up with me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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