the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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