Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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