The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
