I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
