I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
