He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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