I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My vagina just recognized that song.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
