One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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