cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
