smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize