In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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