i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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