I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize