meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
