Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
