The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
