i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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