God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize