Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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