I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize