just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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