I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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