I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
