Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
