Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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