it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
