God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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