I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
