After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
