What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
