my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize