don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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