Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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