if you like me you must not know who I am
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
