my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
