I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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