Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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