I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
