Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he was CRYING into my vagina
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
