I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
