Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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