Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
