I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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