ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My pussy is not your playground.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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