it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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