Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
