Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
