Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
stop calling my apartment porn island.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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