i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
