I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
