I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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