if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
