How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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