My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
