don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
